- West *
By my findings and encounters with some unhappy spouses, it is revealed that not a few of the marital problems in our world these days are largely rooted in poor parenting where half-baked or outright ill-baked men undeservedly married well nurtured women. Likewise, such men have rightly got married to half-baked or wholly ill-trained women like themselves.
Our culture harps so much on the upbringing of the daughters right from childhood while the male child enjoys more relaxed space and latitude of options to participate in domestic chores on the excuse that he is a potential future husband and father who would have no business in the kitchen.
These days, fathers do not fully integrate the male child into patriarchal functions and responsibilities as the future head of his own family unit. What it takes to be a good husband and a responsible father should be inculcated into the psyche and consciousness of every man from the childhood. Beyond sex and making babies, being a loving, supporting and tolerant husband is what translates him into becoming a responsible, responsive and dependable father.
Stingy and lazy men are nightmares to their spouses at home. They often dodge responsibilities and prefer to work less as excuses for their slothful lifestyle. They don’t like going the extra mile or working extra hours. They use their limited income more of a condition and excuse that should shield from entitled responsibilities. They usually act like ‘underprivileged’ lot to achieve emotional blackmail against their hardworking wives.
Grooming the male child in our society varies as it depends on the tribe or ethnic group he belongs to or where the child is raised. In some tribes, clans and families, both male and female children would undertake the same measures of home training. They’re both skillful in domestic chores, farming activities, social and behavioural orientation. When they become adults, most of such well groomed wards usually turn out to complement their spouses in marriage. They’re not lazy or bossy. They are more understanding and tolerant of one another.
Parents do pay a greater of attention to their female children in the area of home training while monitoring and guiding them for attitudinal and character modification including communication, dressing and social etiquettes.
“I’m really getting nauseated by the audacious attitude of my wife at home. The only time she speaks softly and becomes affectionate is when she needs money and sex. Her attitude is hardening my feelings towards her such that I don’t easily get aroused for sexual intimacy with her like it used to be. Knowing that it is her entitlement in the marriage, but behaving like my boss or madam at the top is driving me crazy. She treats me as if I’m a sex slave as she doesn’t want to know if I’m ready or not. She once threatened that she would go out and satisfy her urges if I decided to deny her knowing that she’s a sex addict. I think the reason she’s behaving irrationally to me is because I love her so much. She knows I love her dearly that’s what she’s taking undue advantage of.
“My wife lacks home training. She’s so lazy at virtually everything except in the bedroom and lavish spending on inanities. Because I grew up as a mummy’s boy who has culinary skills, she knows I can’t eat poor quality meals. My mom used to run a lucrative restaurant when I was in secondary school and I developed interest in cooking. So, I promised to assist my wife in the kitchen whenever I’m available which I enjoy doing as fun but she has abandoned her duty to me claiming I can do it a lot better than her. Sir, I don’t want to mention her disrespectful attitude to me in the midst of people. She is so lousy and uncouth. The worst thing is that if I complain, she will snap and retort at me as if I’m a slave.
“Sir, I need you to weigh in and talk to her please. She actually introduced your column to me. She reads you a lot. I’m not thinking about separation or divorce because I love my wife but she needs to change her unruly and uncaring disposition towards me at home. Thank you, sir.”
A Yoruba ironic phrase says that a problem confronting someone might actually be a non-issue to another person. Meaning that someone might be experiencing the exact opposite of what another is facing. There are homes where the men are actually the problems. Men, in several marital rancorous situation, are the causes.
No matter how well trained or nurtured some people are from their homes, if they marry wrong partners, the ensued bad marriage will mess up the good spouses and the worst of them will signpost their behavioural patterns. We should evolve a situation where only well groomed men should marry well nurtured women.
Korra Obidi: A Minus for Black Women
Until her failed marital issue went viral in the last couple of weeks, I didn’t know anything about her. To be sincere, I heard about the nude dancer for the first time during her crisis. I tried to know who she is and why the seemingly celebrated marriage failed. I relied on my Texas, United States based friend who is fully updated on the trending story to tell me what I need to know about it.
The entire failed marriage story is not so much of interest to me than the effect and implication of her “use and dump” character in the whole saga. Her attitude is capable of provoking stricter immigration condition in case her estranged husband, Dr. Justin Dean, chooses to petition against her on whatever ground. However, I don’t see that happening because the guy doesn’t appear vengeful, deeply bitter or hostile.
Meanwhile, the American public read, saw and still see the show of shame being displayed by our sister, Korra and the seemingly exploitative opportunity to earn citizenship through the marriage. Here’s the take of my friend on the issue:
“Interracial marriage is not for just anyone. Don’t go there if you do not have what it takes to sustain it. Stop marrying foreign nationals just for the sole purpose of gaining immigration status. You are simply creating problems for well meaning and sincere people who truly fall in love and not for the sake of citizenship of their countries.
“There are several ways to becoming citizens of these developed countries. If you’re not really in love with that man or woman, please don’t pretend to be. Seek other legitimate ways to obtain citizenship.
“It feels terrible to be used and dumped. Some people have committed murder and suicide because of issues like these. Immigration laws keep changing and the law is making it very difficult for well meaning people to get themselves sorted out just because some desperate people keep abusing such opportunity. Our people should stop being desperate.”
Korra Obidi’s case could be a spoiler for other African women and Nigerian women in particular who intend to genuinely marry foreigners. Please call her to order!
Happy New Month!
• West wrote via